Recently, I’ve been hearing a lot of comments that I have been gaining weight, that I am becoming fat again. Well, obviously this is my body so it is not far from my own sense of sight that I actually am but I choose not to mind.
A little back story, in summer of 2017, I suffered from mild anorexia (not clinically diagnosed.) I weighed for about 65 kg that time and for a 5’2 person, that is considered overweight. I never really thought of working out because simply, I don’t feel the need and I am completely fine with my body. Not until I had a crush on someone. This particular person was a student athlete in the university we we’re going in and we’ve been talking. He shared to me the girls he dated before and those from our school whom he got attracted to. So basically, I kind of stalked these girls and figured out that he likes small, fit girls and looking at myself, I am way too far from that. Over time that we’ve been talking I grew to have insecurities that I never really thought would dawn on me.
Then, the summer break came; I spent a lot of time outside our house, fulfilling my community duties. But since my insecurities have gotten the best of me; little tease and joke about my weight would really put me down. One day, I realized that I had enough and I would start working on myself. I also thought that the person I liked was physically active so I might as well do the same for the hopes that he would like me. I started with controlling what I ate, I exercised a lot, e v e r y d a y.
The first few weeks of exercising, I already noticed the changes in my body I was really happy about it but clearly, my family was not. I totally understand them because their defense was that I am not eating properly anymore. Sometimes I opt not eating at all and just exercise. And whenever I do, I always eat a little amount of what was served. They were worried especially my dad. I continued doing that routine but since they got tired of reprimanding me of the wrong habit that I’ve been practicing since the summer vacation began, they just let go and let me do what I wanted to do.
Sometimes, I ate only once in a day yet I still exercised a lot. Regardless what time it was, I’d go for a jog (in place or moving) even if it’s noon and the sun was blazing hot. I kept on going out of the house, always volunteered to go for groceries or to pay the bills just to get the chance of riding a bike and I’d always make sure to take the longest route possible so that I could sweat a lot and “exercise.” We also have a dumbbell in our house so whenever no one’s looking, I’ll do a lift, maybe 5 or 10. I also did all the household chores that I can do after I exercise. Rest was definitely my enemy; all I wanted to do was move. Note that while I was doing all this, I barely eat anymore. I lock myself inside my room whenever it’s about time to eat so that they won’t bother me. So obviously, my body was not getting enough nutrients and energy to replace what I consume in all the activities that I do in a day.
Until, one day I weighed myself and I hit 54 kg in the span of one month. It hadn’t occurred to me that it was dangerous having to lose 10 kg in such unhealthy manner because what I was obsessed about is just to lose weight which I achieved so I was feeling really fulfilled and satisfied. I continued the same habit. I even started calorie counting. My brother was pointing it out already to everyone and whenever I locked my door he would constantly message me and say that I got to fix myself because clearly I was showing symptoms of eating disorder. I did look it up on the internet; I got some few signs like changes in the attitude, irritability which really shows because I was always arguing with my father most especially when they monitor what I eat. I’d always get mad but somehow I was aiming for it so I will have a reason to leave the dining table and not eat, sleepiness, always feeling tired, and ulcer. But I ignored all that because I was achieving my goal, I was losing weight so that is a good thing for me.
This improper lifestyle, of course, led me to major life turning event. One day, I woke up feeling a pain in my stomach. It really hurt a lot like I was being punched from the inside. I went to our comfort room and vomited water. Only water. And it was really aching like all the strings that I have in my body was being pulled and twisted. That time, my siblings were in their dormitory, my aunts went for a vacation and obviously, I can’t tell this to my father because he would get angry and would only slap the truth to me that I did this to myself and I hated proving that I am wrong. Since, my brother is the only one I can confide in at that moment, I messaged him what happened and he said I needed to calm down and maybe I should eat something. So I tried eating banana and that saved me for a while. My father came home from the market and found me in pain. Luckily, he didn’t scold me or anything. He bought some soup outside which I also didn’t eat. When he saw me not eating, he got fed up, shouted at me saying if I wanted to die I should just tell him.
So days later, after that event, I started eating again, but just a little and I still did my exercise every day. I haven’t put on weight since then. The classes started. Everyone noticed the drastic change in my body and I was denying that I lose weight. I convinced them that I look exactly the same. I still wasn’t eating properly by then. I’d leave the house for school without eating breakfast; I’d eat at lunch with my friends just for them not to notice, and when I come home, I’d tell my dad that I already ate at school and I won’t be eating dinner with them. This went on for months.
My crush did eventually like me back and we dated for 7 months. Though, it ended between us but I was still thankful for him because he has been a part of my recovery because he was the one who helped me treat this bad practice of mine. He made sure that I eat and assured me that I am completely fine with who I am. My friends also helped me big time. But we won’t deny the fact that I felt more confident when I lost weight so I was eager to maintain this body type that I acquired from that eating disorder. But later on, taking extra care of my body became a personal decision that I have to take. So if I wanted to maintain this weight, I thought, I certainly will but in the healthy way that I know.
Until now, 2 years from that, I still don’t consider myself totally healed from that unhealthy habit. But I am much better now. I realized that not eating then exercising will be the death of me. Maybe, not now but in the later years of my life it would totally cause my body to shut down. Also learned, intermittent fasting is not really effective because you will indeed lose some weight but there would be a period of relapse the moment you eat beyond your fasting period. It wasn’t sustainable.
Then I learned about the #BodyPositivity Movement going on the internet and I was also guilty of using it as a reason to eat all of that chips and sweets that I badly wished for, binge-eat a lot of times. Refusing to go on a morning jog because why would I? I don’t have to have the same bodies as what those models in Instagram have. I just got to be fine with who I am and what I look like because if people see me confident then they would be afraid to step on my gown and ruin my parade, say bad things about me. But no.
I read a lot of articles about body positivity (more than I did before), listened to the wisest friends that I have and became educated. Some people tend to use body positivity as an excuse to eat and do whatever they want, even if it’s bad for the body or even if it’s unhealthy. Reasons that I frequently hear: “This is what I want,” “Never mind the haters,” “I have money so I can buy food that I want.” Just the same as I did, right? But it’s not how it works. Body positivity is undeniably about the acceptance of your own body type, being confident about yourself, accepting who you are and your flaws (in your physical appearance.) Considering that not everyone has the instagramable body and neither the society nor anyone is requiring you to have one. But despite all this, it does not mean that you shouldn’t take care of your body nor should you be lenient in your food intake.
You should always aim to take care of your body in the healthiest way possible. Losing weight is one big bonus but besides that, you exercise to keep you heart active. To avoid unnecessary fats to develop in your body and make its way to your cardiovascular organs. There are a lot of influencers in various social media platforms developing abs or having the perfectly toned body everyone wishes to have but you have to consider that is part of their work and you have different thing you have going on in your life. You are a different person from what you see in social media so do not ever compare.
Body positivity is all about loving your own body; embracing all the imperfections. But it wasn’t and should never be an excuse to squander on useless pieces of food that will only cause you and your body harm maybe not today but eventually. Love and take care of your body because that is what you only have.
Now to answer why I don’t mind putting on some weight: why should I? Before I was losing weight because I was not eating. I do now and I am exercising. So to simply put it, I am living healthily as far as I’m concern. I am chubby in the eyes of many because I am nothing like those petite or sexy girls this society define as beautiful. But who cares? I love my body more now. Enough to put people’s opinions away from consuming my mind. I still have my insecurities, I have to admit. But I am working on that now. And that is what is more important.
living paradox 
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